


Babble and Multiple Rambles

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fili & Kili are bros, Humor, Kili is bae, Randomness, Thorin is decent, Weirdness, and everything in between, cause why not, none of this makes sense, not connected, ok im done, only now posting them, random chapter titles, sorry - Freeform, super short oneshots, terrible writing style, ummm - Freeform, wrote these already, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-05-21 09:13:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 4,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6046090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of oneshots, mostly revolving around Kili, because I love Aidan Turner. Yes, I have read the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings, but Peter Jackson is awesome. Love y'all. </p><p>PS: The titles don't make sense most of the time. I know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Darkest Night and Brightest Light

Kili huddled on his bed roll, the dying fire flickering in the corner of his eye. Fili snored softly next to him, and the rest of the company slumbered peacefully as well. Only Kili was awake.

After a full day of running, even Nori and Bofur, who were supposed to be on watch, were asleep, propped up against a tree. Kili watched the darkness around him, and the dying embers of the fire did nothing to keep the black at bay. Only the stars and full moon above shone some lights. As alert as he had been during the day, the would-be-prince took a deep breath and huddled closer to his brother. Fili only snored and shifted slightly.

Kili hated the dark. The dark meant strange noises and attacks he couldn't see. If an archer couldn't see, he was useless. If Kili couldn't see, he was useless. Sure, he would be able to shout, punch, stab, and kick, but his bow would lay to the side. The darkness mocked him.

He curled in on himself and fell into a fitful sleep. The stars and moon twinkled in laughter.

In the morning, the sun shone brightly. He could see. He was useful. He had a place among the company. The morning praised him.


	2. Don't Try to Fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> KILI ANGST. GAH. And he has superhuman archer powers in this one. Why, you ask? Why not?

Kili knows he has skills. He is talented. 

Kili knows how he will be received. He is reluctant. 

Kili stays with the company. He doesn't show off. He even misses a few shots he knows he could make so he keeps his humanity. 

Kili hides in the open because no one ever looks there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said these would be short. So yeah. I hope you enjoyed. If you didn't, thanks for reading anyway. Go read something else. Or review. ;)
> 
> Peace.


	3. If I Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili died, for some reason. You tell me.

Kili was at peace. He was in a beautiful place, a green field filled with trees and flowers and tall grasses. But he wasn't climbing the trees or picking the flowers or running through the grasses. He was standing on the edge of a chasm, looking down into the black below him. He didn't know why, but he wanted to jump down there. He would enjoy the feeling of flying down, down, down, whooping and flailing about.

He wondered where his brother was.

"KILI! Uncle, he's not breathing!" Fili's voice echoed through the clearing. Kili cocked his head.

What was he talking about? Of course he was breathing. He could smell the intoxicating flowers, and suddenly it became harder to resist jumping into the darkness beneath him.

Kili held back, wondering if he would hear his brother's voice again. A sob. He heard a sob. A sob that only Fili could make when he saw Kili about to do something very stupid. A sob that was a choke and laugh at the same time. And Kili was about to do something stupid. Like jump into a black hole. Kili backed up, stumbling as the flowers behind him seemed to push him forward. The clearing didn't seem so peaceful anymore. 

Fili's single sob rang in his ears, giving him strength. Kili pulled back. His eyes widened. Oh Mahal, Thorin was going to kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same thing as always. Thanks for reading. 
> 
> Peace.


	4. Little Dwarrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So...this is a pure crack-fic, coming from the deepest part of my mind.

Kili was taken in the heat of a Sass Off Between his uncle and Thranduil. He was just about to yell, "DO THE HAIR FLIP UNCLE!" when he disappeared in a flash of light. 

"Aww nuts," he muttered, looking around. He was standing in a pond with brick walls surrounding him. He could see the blue sky - wait. Nope, just a cutain. 

A woman suddenly appeared beside him. "Empty the pond, kid. Then I'll return you to your friends." Kili went to attack her, but she vanished and Kili ran into the wall. He quickly stood up and examined the pond. 

It was a normal pond, very small. No more than a couple inches deep, as the water only reached his ankles.

Kili was suddenly smacked over the head by a lightbulb (or a candlestick, cause lighbulbs weren't invented yet). He had a great idea!

He stuck his head into the water and inhaled half the pond. Whoops. He coughed and vomited out the water. Gross. Now he had to drink water that had been up his nose. 

But Kili was a brave soul, so he drank up the half-snot-water pond. This time he was more careful. He made sure to breath and everything. 

One of his smarter ideas, really. (e.g. see "Stealing Bofur's Hat and Other Dumb Schemes in which Fili Pleads the Fifth)

The witch returned, muttering nasty things under her breath, and something the lines of "death by salsa", which sounded terrible, because Kili didn't know what salsa was. But nonetheless, the woman waved her gnarly had and Kili disappeared for the second time. 

He reappeared on a tree over looking the camp the Company had set up. The Sass Off was obviously over, and Thorin held a flower crown in his hands while he looked sadly at the fire. The rest of the Company were sitting there too, looking around mournfully. 

"K-Kili...is gone," Balin said, voice cracking with grief. Kili saw his chance. He stood up on the tree branch and announced his return. 

"I LIVE!" The branch snapped and Kili tumbled to the ground, landing in front of his uncle. Ori screamed. Fili's mouth was hanging open. Thorin embraced his "dead" nephew. The Company cheered. Bofur starting dancing. Dwalin was wiping at his eyes (I WAS NOT CRYING).

Kili grinned at everyone, and then fell over. Turns out the fall from the tree damaged his brain. Kili died the next day. Dwalin cried for three days straight, because "The little busterd's GONE! BALIN, HE'S-"

"Yes, I know, now shut up brother dear."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill. Maybe leave a few comments and I'll write something longer...this is probably the longest thing I've ever posted. :) 
> 
> Peace. 
> 
> PS, I need something I can call myself....like Snowy. That's dumb. Comments? ;)
> 
> PSS, The thing about "Stealing Bofur's Hat and Other Dumb Schemes Where Fili Pleads tge Fifth" may possibly become a series. It was originally meant to just be a joke, but I may turn it into a series. Please advise me! Sorry for any mistakes, too.


	5. Wee Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically a study on Thorin's morning routine? Kind of dabbles on Kili's problems too. I don't know how to describe it.

He rises before dawn, shaking like a leaf in mid autumn. He gets out of his safe haven, the haven that also brings brings night terrors, and prepares himself for the day to come.

He wipes away any sign of weakness (the fear in his eyes) and smooths out the lines of hatred. He looks at the slumbering Company around him, lingering longer on his two charges. His sister sons. The fierce dark haired moon, and the burning light haired sun.

The younger moves constantly in his slumber, muttering and tensing up. The elder is like a rock, steadfast and ready to hold out wings of comfort, even while he's deep in his own subconscious. Their relationship, the two brothers, is very familiar to Thorin. He recognizes every move, every lie told to keep the other safe. He once had that relationship.

When the last traces of darkness give way to the light, he stands and glares at the retreating moon, cursing it for bringing nightmares, (he knows the next day that he will praise the moon for covering insecurity) and welcomes the sun.

He is content now, He is at peace for what his to come. And he wakes the younger one first, because they share so much (he knows that his sister son will want the wipe away the visible fears as well and steel his nerves for the upcoming battle. He is only a boy).

Exhale the night, inhale the day to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Sorry I was a little late in updating. So...yeah. I'll try to write some more soon. 
> 
> I'm actually really happy how this turned out. I'm going to post another part right after I post this, so...read on!
> 
> Peace.


	6. Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili gets in a fight.

Kili was walking fast with his head down. He looked up every once in a while to make sure he was on the right path, but he had no worries. Fili wasn't with him for once, being out with some friends.

Kili was nearly to the forge when he heard a couple of dwarrows his age talking and laughing on a dirty street corner. "Ha! But did you see that idiot Thorin in the meeting?" One of them said loudly. Kili stopped. The boys all laughed.

"Hey, don't be disrespectful to our  _king,_ " another one said mockingly, bowing to the others. More laughter was heard, and Kili cracked his neck, carefully restraining his rage. Contrary to popular belief, he was an expert at restraining himself. Kili walked over to the small group and flicked back his hood.

"Look! It's the prince!" They all bowed, laughing hysterically. Kili smiled, doing his best to act civil. 

"You're talking about my family there," he said, looking carefully over the boys, sizing them up.

"Yeah, we know. The Line of Durin is a joke, and you're a stupid prince. So is your brother, the big blonde. If I saw your uncle in the street, I'd spit on 'em!" Kili took a deep breath and threw a punch right at the ringleader's pretty little face.

His friends restrained Kili with shouts of more insulting things about his family and himself.

"Back off man! He's just stating the truth!" One of the fools shouted, doubling over. Kili broke free and kneed him in the stomach. He received a punch to the jaw, and his neck snapped back. Rage fueled the adrenaline as the leader stepped into the circle formed by the other goons. Kili calmed himself down and held his hands up.

"Hey, if you back off and stop talking crap about my family and my line of heritage, I won't do anything. You don't, and it won't matter if I get arrested, because you'll be in the med wing of _my uncle's_ care center." The leader just cracked his knuckles and pulled out a knife, letting the blade glisten in the setting sun.

Kili was no where near scared. He held up his fists and watched as the knife went plunging towards his neck. He dodged the swinging blade and crouched, kicking out the legs of the fool. The boy dropped to the ground, and suddenly Kili had a flash of a memory.

_"Hey prince."_

_"Shut up Denan." The boy advanced on Kili._

_"No. You need to learn. I'm bigger than you. My family is better than your's. And I can beat you up any day."_

_Kili closed his eyes and waited for the first punch, just hoping than Fili or Thorin would spot him._

Denan got up, wiping blood from the side of his mouth. Kili dodged the knife again, but the blade still grazed his arm. He punched Denan again and didn't let up until the bully was on the ground. Even beaten, Kili's former and present tormentor spit blood at the sister son of Thorin Oakenshield. 

"I hope you burn in hell, Durinson."

Kili mock saluted and smirked. "I'll see you there." He grabbed the knife Denan had been using and flipped it, moving towards his goons. They scattered, muttering curses at the son of Durin. He flipped the knife again, and walked away calmly, feeling like he had finally gotten his justice. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not super happy about how this turned out, but I felt the need to update. Thanks for reading, and please leave a comment and tell me what you think.
> 
> Peace.


	7. Stuck Between a Hard Place and Another Hard Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin gets stuck in a tree, Kili almost suffocates, and Fili just wanted to go camping.

Kili had no intention of... _this_ happening. He and his brother had been begging for Thorin to take them on a simple camping trip for ages, and when he and Dis had finally agreed, they were ecstatic. And they were only little dwarrows, after all, so excitement was to be expected.

Thorin had initially not wanted to take his nephews on this trip because he didn't have the time. But when his work schedule cleared up and he had no excuse. But he kept making them up.

_"Uncle Thorin, could we please go?"_

_"I have a date."_

_"But you don't go on dates."_

_"That's very true, Fili."_

_"DIS!"_

_"Thorin, you know its true."_

_"..."_

_"So is that a yes, Uncle?"_

_"Don't talk to me."_

Dis had agreed since the day Fili pitched the idea, but she couldn't take them. So it was up to her brother to take the rascals out for some fun. Thorin had caved only because he was tired of being pestered, but alas, the boys would get their camping trip.

They started out early, walking along the old forest path as the sun gradually climbed higher into the sky. Kili skipped along, while Thorin walked more slowly, with Fili somewhere in between. Thorin had carefully planned out the weekend trip, scouting out for the best place to camp (and the least dangerous), calculating the amount of supplies needed, and how quickly they needed to get back home to stop him from going insane. Everything should have gone according to plan. But it never did, did it?

"UNCLE THORIN!" Thorin started, and looked around. Fili was staring at him with wide eyes while Kili was no where to be seen. Great. Just great.

"UP HERE!" The King closed his eyes and took a deep breath, like his therapist told him to. He slowly opened his eyes and looked up. 

A little dark haired dwarf swung from a thick tree branch, laughing at his uncle and brother below. Fili laughed at Thorin's scarily calm face as his uncle just stared at Kili, high above.

"Kili."

"YES UNCLE?"

"Why......"

"I DO THIS ALL THE TIME! DON'T FREAK OUT!"

"I am not freaking out."

"YEAH YOU ARE!"

"THAT'S IT." Thorin aggressively grabbed the trunk of the tree and managed to gracefully shimmy up the trunk to reach the nearest branch. He heard Fili gasp and Kili continue laughing. Those fools. They thought that just because their uncle was a king he couldn't climb a tree? They were WRONG!

The King Under the Mountain felt no shame as he wiggled his way higher and higher towards his crazy nephew. When he was only a couple feet away from Kili, his foot got stuck. Another deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out. In, and out. Thorin slowly opened his eyes and yanked on his leg. Nothing. Ok, slightly scary. 

Kili noticed where his uncle was and quickly scurrried up another few branches before realizing why Uncle Thorin wasn't chasing after him. "Kili!" Fili shouted up. "What's going on?" 

But Fili got no answer from Kili or Thorin, because Kili was laughing too hard to breathe at the fact tht his uncle was stuck up a tree, and Thorin was going over his breathing exercises. "Oh my Mahal," Fili muttered. "I have to do everything around here." 

Fili clambered up the tree with little grace, but managed to make it to his uncle, who was breathing hard and slowly turning purple. Fili rolled his eyes and stabbed the knot where Thorin's foot was stuck. And, voila, his foot came unstuck. Thorin muttered some excuse and shoved Fili up towards his other nephew, who was still dying of laughter. 

Fili sweared softly as he grabbed his brother's foot and hauled him down a branch. Despite nearly whacking his head on a branch, Kili never stopped laughing. When he was finally calmed down, Fili and Kili made their way back down the tree to their steaming uncle. 

"Sorry, Uncle Thorin." 

"Yeah. Sorry." 

"Fine. It's fine." Why did he agree to this again? Oh yeah, because Dis was an evil, evil sibling and her spawn was that of the devil's. 

Thorin could practically hear his therapist: "Calm, Thorin. Calm. Count to ten. If that doesn't work, assure everyone that you are fine, then go punch something. A great stress reliever, really." Counting to ten just wasn't going to cut it today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't been updating! I've been pretty busy with school lately and haven't had much inspiration. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed, check out my other stories and....just keep being you. (Onision, its not copyrighted, its called promotion. On that note, check out the Onision channel! (YouTube))
> 
> Anyway, I will be accepting prompts since I haven't been able to really think of any, so please comment below.
> 
> Peace out my bucketeers! (Read my profile, because yes, I changed my name from ifijustlayhere to mismatchedbucket.)


	8. Dwarrows Don't Lay Eggs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili wants to hunt down the Easter Bunny, Fili wants candy, Dis just might decaptate one of her sons and Thorin is apparently giving birth. 
> 
> OR
> 
> The one where Durin the Deathless is Jesus and the Easter Bunny and Fili is a human vibrator and Dis is going insane. And Kili is adorably stupid. And Thorin isn't supposed to ruin any childhood's. 
> 
> OR
> 
> More simply explained: Durin the Deathless is like Jesus, rising from the dead (sort of), and he's also the Easter Bunny. Everything else? Read to find out!
> 
> Warning: slight crack. (obviously)

Kili was ecsatic. It was nearly Easter, the day to celebrate Durin the Deathless rising from the ocean and floating up into space. He was dead. But then he rose from the dead. So he wasn't dead. But sort of dead. He went back to being dead. He was called 'the Deathless' for a reason. He was never fully dead. Only sort of dead.

Whatever. 

Anyway, it was the night before Easter, and Kili couldn't sleep. Fili, of course, got to stay up. Maybe it was because he was on a complete sugar high and couldn't sleep anyways, but it was still unfair. Kili still didn't understand why Fili got to eat so much candy, but when Kili tried to eat some, his mother screamed in horror and started praying. Kili decided to not eat the candy after that. 

The youung dwarf lay on his bed, looking out the window at the night sky. "DEAR MR. MAHAL, I AM KILI DURINSON AND I REALLY WANT TO SEE THE DURIN THE DEATHLESS BUNNY COME AND GIVE ME CANDY TOMORROW. I REALLY WANT THE CANDY, SO YOU COULD JUST SEND A REGULAR BUNNY TO GIVE IT TO ME INSTEAD OF A DEATHLESS BUNNY. PLEASE AND THANK YOU." Kili finished his very loud message to Mahal and settled back into his bed, ready to try and sleep. 

But that didn't happen. Duh. 

Dis burst into the room, with a vibrating Fili behind her. "Kili! What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I was talking to Mr. Mahal about Easter." Dis visibly relaxed, sighing and rubbing the bridge of her nose. 

"Hey," Kili said, furrowinf his eyebrows. "Where's Uncle Thorin? Usually when you come running, he comes running. And he usually beats you."

Dis growled. Kili smiled. Fili vibrated. 

"Your uncle's occupied at the moment," she said hesitantly. Fili smiled widely. 

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, UNCLE THORIN IS OCCUPIED!" He shouted, jumping from foot to foot. 

"Hush, dear."

"Mama, can I stay up too? Fili gets to!"

"Kili, Fili has a sugar high." At her son's pleading look, Dis relented. "Fine. Come one. Just don't look out the window." 

"Why?" Kili asked as he followed Fili and Dis into the living room. 

"Because the Deathless Bunny is laying his eggs in the back right now!" Dis tried to sound excited, and not like it was really Thorin dressed up in his armor with bunny ears and a tail pinned on. Dis had insisted he put on the costume just in case Fili or Kili happened to glance out the window. 

"Ohh! I want to see!" Kili dragged Fili out the door and into the night before Dis could say anything. 

"Thorin, you better not mess this up and destroy my son's childhood," she muttered under her breath as she made to follow her sons outside. Before she could do so, she heard a scream. Coming from the back. Great. Dis grabbed Thorin's spare sword and raced outside. 

She skidded to a halt, nearly decapitating Fili as he continued to vibrate in place. Kili stood with his arms crossed in front of his uncle. But he didn't know it was his uncle. To Kili, he was standing in front of the Deathless Bunny himself. Or itself. 

Whatever. 

Thorin was doing his best to act like a vicious bunny, nice and intimidating all at the same time. Kili ws drinking it in, hanging on to every word. Fili still hadn't come down from his sugsr high. Poor lad. 

"Hey!" Kili interrupted him as Thorin rambled on about never dying and listening to your parents or something. 

"What, child?" 

"Aren't you supposed to hide your eggs tomorrow?" Crap. Dis stood behind Fili, glaring intesely at Thorin. 

"I start hiding them at night so I can get to everyone." Kili seemed to accept the answer. But Fili just had to put his two cents in. 

"BUNNIES DON'T LAY EGGS!" Kili gasped. Fili laughed insanely. Dis glared. Thorin sweated. 

"YOU ARE A LIE!" Kili tackled Thorin, taking the warrior by surprise and shoving him to the ground. 

Kili ripped off the helmet Thorin had been wearing and gasped. Fili laughed insanely. Dis glared. Thorin sweated some more. 

Kili's bottom lip tembled. "Uncle Thorin! You're going to mess up the Deathless Bunny's routine if you pretend to be him! Stop being a wannabe!" With that, Thorin's little nephew, stood up and grabbed Fili's hand. "I'm disappointed Uncle Thorin." And with that, the two were gone. 

Dis swung around her sword some more, advancing threateningly towards her brother. Thorin scrambled back, trying to reason with her. "Now Dis, think of the kids!" 

But the crazy woman needed no reasoning. She stopped and started laughing hysterically. "Stop being a wannabe!" She screamed through her tears of laughter. Thorin pouted from his place on the ground, pulling himself to a standing position. As he made to leave, Dis shoved the sword at him. 

"Don't mess up your nephew's lives." What?

Oh, that's right, devil spawn. If Kili and Fili were devil spawn, then Dis is the devil. 

Thorin nodded placatingly and made his way to the house, where he heard a crash, a scream, and more insane laughter. Right. Fili. 

"COME CATCH US YOU WANNABE!" And Kili. 

Of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm sorry for any mistakes, as this isn't edited. Happy Easter! (Even if it is sort of delayed.)
> 
> Peace out, bucketeers!


	9. Return to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dis basically goes on a rampage after finding out that her sons and brother have died. 
> 
> Inspired by a rage/cry fit of my own. I have no shame, because it was an emotional time for me.

Dis closed her eyes for a second before shooing away the cowering messanger. She blinked the gathering tears out of her eyes, and forced herself to walk normally back to her house. Her empty house, now that no one was returning to it but her. 

She waited until she had reached her own room, and closed the door. And then she broke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not very proud with this chapter, but I needed to update something. Thanks for reading! Please give me any ideas you have, because I am running out of them! 
> 
> And I know, this fic is bipolar. Happy and cracky to hurt and angst. Yeesh. 
> 
> Peace out, bucketeers!


	10. That One Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili chucks a bag of flour at his mother and runs. Dis just stands there, covered in flour, and asks the question no one has ever asked.
> 
> AKA
> 
> The crackiest of crack.

Kili was a strange kid. Thorin always knew that. He just didn't know how strange. Until, that weird day occured, and Thorin was left shocked. 

His youngest nephew had thrown a handful of flour at him. How? When? Why? What? Oh, Mahal. Oh my hobbit. What the hell? WHAT THE HELL? FLOUR? WHERE ON EARTH WAS KILI KEEPING IT? WHY DID HE HAVE IT? WAS HE DOING DRUGS? WAS HE MENTALLY ILL? WHYYYYY?? 

But Thorin calmed down, wiped off the flour, and looked down on young Kili. The little demon laughed, threw some more flour, and disappeared in a flash. 

WHY?

The weirdness didn't stop there. Thorin had recovered from that shocking day, and was reclining by the fire, when there was a knocking on the door. Thorin stood to open it, but then came a crunch, a yell, and a great crash. Ahh, must be his sister. 

Sure enough, Dis came stomping into the living room, covered in -you guessed it- flour. Her eyes were raging, and steam was coming out of her ears. "Oh, hallo, Dis."

"MY SON -bless his soul- JUST CHUCKED A BAG OF FLOUR AT ME! BUT SURE, THORIN, HALLO TO YOU TOO." 

"Interesting. Your devil child has also thrown a handful of this flour at me today. I simply assumed that he was going through a phase."

"NEVER ASSUME! IT MAKES AN ASS OUT OF YOU."

"And me? Isn't there supposed to be an 'and me?' following that statement?"

"NO THORIN! YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? SIMPLY BECAUSE, YOU ARE AN ASS!" 

"I'm not even going to ask. But why are you here? Usually, you'd just chuck the child out the window." 

"NO ONE IS ASKING THE QUESTION THAT SHOULD BE ASKED! KILI HAS THROWN BAGS OR HANDFULS OF FLOUR AT TONS OF PEOPLE TODAY! BUT NO ONE ASKS WHAT NEEDS TO BE ASKED!"

"And what exactly needs to be asked, sister dear?" 

Dis widened her eyes and bent down to whisper in her brother's ear. 

"Where does he keep the flour?" Thorin's eyes widened.

"Oh. My. Lord."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't ask, because I don't know. 
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes, and sorry that I haven't updated anything in a while. I just had testing, which was pretty stressful, and some family things, so sorry about that. Please comment and give me any suggestions you may have for this story.
> 
> Love y'all bucketeers! Peace!


	11. Erebor, Oh Erebor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin is bored and happy about being king, apparently.

Kili was ecstatic. He had played a major part in reclaiming is homeland, and he finally had a good story to tell at the local pubs. 

He skipped around Erebor, examining every stone that caught his eye. Finally, he happened upon the door the the throne room. Kili gasped, and raced away. He returned within minutes, dragging a half awake Fili with him. Fili immediatly woke up. 

"The room to challenge all rooms....." He muttered, tracing a finger over the detailed wooden design. Kili jumped in place like a prepubescent human girl at a slumber party . 

"Can we go it?" 

".........SURE." Fili and Kili busted through the door. Wind came out of no where and whipped their hair back majestically. The wind went away as soon as they saw what was happening in the throne room. 

Thorin was lounging on the throne, in a relaxed position that no king should ever been seen in. He was playing with his hair and wiggling around every couple seconds. Thorin was softly singing a song, and Fili and Kili crept closer to hear the words. 

"Who's the king? I am! I am! I rule the kingdom, because I am the king. And Dis can go suck it, cause she's not the king. And Balin can go to hell, cause he gives bad advice!" Fili's mouth hung open in shock, while Kili giggled silently, slowly turning red. 

Thorin repeated those same words, slightly changing up the verse. "Who's the king? I am! I am! I rule the kingdom, because I am the king. And Gandalf can go suck it, cause he's hella old. And Dwalin can go to hell, cause his brother's still calls me laddie!" 

Kili couldn't take it. He started singing along with his uncle. "Who's the king? Thorin is! Thorin is! And he rules the kingdom because he is the king!" Thorin stopped singing, his eyes widening in horror as he heard another voice singing with him. Kili continued, having too much fun to stop. Fili looked like he was watching a horse crash into a wall. "And Azog can go suck, cause he tried to kill him. And Bold can go to hell, cause he shot his nephew!"

"Kili?"

"Hi Uncle Thorin! I like your song. It's fun! I wrote down all the verses you sang, so I can sing them to Mom!"

"No, no no no no no no....."

*AFTER A SHORT STRUGGLE AND ARGUING LATER*

"Hiya Mumsy! I have a song for you that Uncle Thorin made up."

"Ok, Kili, go ahead." Kili looked to his brother, who was restrainging Thorin. Fili nodded, smirking. Thorin whimpered in fear. 

"So, the song is from Thorin's point of view, except for the last verse, cause I made up that one. AHEM! 

Who's the king? I am! I am! I rule the kingdom because I am the king! And Dis can go suck it, cause she's not the king. And Balin can go to hell, cause he gives bad advice!" Dis' smile was strained, and she was glaring fiercly at her brother. But she would wait until the end of the song to beat him up. Kili continued. 

"Who's the king? I am! I am! I ruled the kingdom because I am the king! And Gandalf can go suck it, cause he's hella old. And Dwalin can go to hell, cause his brother still calls me laddie! Who's the king? Thorin is! Thorin is! And he rules the kingdom because he is the king! And Azog can go suck it, cause he tried to kill him. And Bolg can go to hell, cause he shot his nephew!" 

Dis clapped. "I loved the last verse, thank you Kili."

"You're welcome!" And then Dis turned on her brother. 

They say the loud smack still echoes through Erebor to this day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If anyone's waiting for me to update Home Alone, please be patient! It's taking me longer than expected. Anyway, sorry for any mistakes, as I am not betaed. 
> 
> Peace out, bucket fam!


	12. Experiment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili loses his voice, and waits to see when someone will notice. (PS, Fili is on a secret mission or something. He's not in this story, because if he was, he would obviously see that Kili wasn't talking.)

It was gradual. Kili's voice got hoarser and hoarser each day, until he woke up, and he couldn't talk. Fili was gone, and Kili didn't share the same bond with anyone. No one else would just automatically know that something was wrong. 

And no one did. 

Thorin and Dis never asked Kili why he wasn't talking. They just subconciously talked louder to fill the silence that Kili usually filled. 

No one even noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I don't know where this came from. Maybe cause I've lost my voice recently, and stupid allergies are stupid. This oneshot is like half crack almost, and half angst. Weird. Anyway, sorry for any mistakes, and thanks for reading!
> 
> Peace out bucket fam.


	13. Thorin and the Search for Sanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin has lost a lot of things. He's lost his axe, his sword, his family, and now, he can add sanity to that list.

This was probably a bad idea. But Fili didn't think that until it was too late. He and Kili were already on the roof, on that little shelf that jutted out over the back door, ready with an entire bucket filled with mystery slime.

For once, the idea had been Fili's. Of course, Fili had just wanted to use water, but no, that was too simple for Kili. So, the pair had trekked into the forest, gone to the nearest pond, and scooped up an entire pile of some strange goo Kili had spotted by the shore. 

Now, they were just waiting for Thorin's meeting with Mr. Dwalin to end, for Mr. Dwalin to say his goodbyes and exit through the back door. That's when they when would strike. Of course, Kili had been wanted to play a prank on Dwalin for forever, but Fili had been making sure his brother wouldn't get killed since Kili's birth.

Fili was pulled out his thoughts by the familiar sound of Mr. Dwalin laughing uproariously and smacking Uncle Thorin on the shoulder as a goodbye. They could almost hear their uncle's glare. 

Kili readied the bucket. Fili poke his head out over the edge of the roof and watched carefully, waiting for the targeted dwarf to leave. As soon as he heard the door open, Fili pulled his head back and whispered, "NOW!" Kili whooped and dumped the bucket. 

Right. On. Thorin's. Head. 

Kili was laughing, Fili was shaking in fear, and Thorin just stood there. And then Kili peeked over the edge. He immediately stopped laughing. "INITIATE PLAN B!" The brothers scampered over to the other side of the roof and dropped down in a pile of hay. Fili grabbed the ball Bofur had made for them, and started a quick game of catch. When Thorin screamed "KILI", Fili answered, replying that they were in back.

Thorin stormed over to the two, dripping slime, and glared. "LOVELY PRANK, YOU TWO." Kili employed the power of the puppy eyes. 

"But Uncle, we've been playing catch back here for ages!" And somehow, Thorin believed him. With one last suspicious glare, Thorin stormed inside, just to be met with Dis and Dwalin's laughter. 

Kili gripped his brother's wrist, sighing in relief. "We can never go back."

And the Durin Bros. where never seen again. 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soooooo sorry for not updating this story for forever! I've been super busy with camps and stuff over summer, and haven't felt very motivated. Also, if you've read any of my other stories, you might have noticed that I haven't updated any of those in a while either. 
> 
> But, hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Peace y'all

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, ma bros. Please review, even if you hate it. :) And these are oneshots. SHORT oneshots. Sorry. 
> 
> Peace.


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